It was 2015 before it really hit me that I was missing a key part of my leadership toolset.

Maybe you’ve already got this covered, but there are a lot of people who miss it, too.

It’s the part of active listening where we make the other person feel heard before starting on problem solving.

This is a trap for all leaders, but tends to be especially challenging for technical leaders who like to help by solving problems. Like many leadership skills, this is one where success is determined by the other person. We can’t easily tell when we’re not making people feel heard. I thought I was doing fine at this for years, in fact.

It was only when I got back from an offsite training session with a client and received feedback from the account manager that I realized I was blowing this.

We were delivering a pilot training module for an industrial automation client. The client partner and I were seated at a table in the back of the training room while the lead trainer was delivering her part of our coaching skills workshop. In the middle of the morning session, my client partner got a message from her executive sponsor about a major change in logistics for this program and others she was working on. This was going to change everything! It completely threw off her budget and schedule and it was effective immediately. She was professionally upset.

As she shared this with me, I understood the implications and started pulling up information to see how we could rearrange what we were doing to solve the challenge. My experience had been that people appreciate calm, focused action in a crisis situation.

However, what she needed at that point was empathy. I did not acknowledge the emotions in her explanation or how this would affect her. I just tackled the problem. This left her feeling frustrated and unsupported, even though I had immediately started looking for a solution.

The lead trainer was also the account manager for this client. She told me the next day that our client partner had felt left alone and unsupported. The client had expected me to understand and sympathize with her, but I had not provided any reassurance.

I knew for a fact that I had said the words to tell her that I understood and knew how important this was to her. But I had completely missed making her feel heard and understood because I had jumped to trying to solve the problem, instead.

This was a pivotal “facepalm” moment for me.

I had instantly treated the situation as a technical problem, when the first thing needed was to support the person and our relationship. My client was expressing worries and concerns and emotions that I did not respond to. As a result, she did not feel heard or supported.

What I could have done instead was really quite simple.

I could have kept listening, nodding, and then asking her when she paused, “How do you feel about this?” She would have elaborated. I would then be able to paraphrase what she said with, “It sounds like you’re really worried and frustrated that this will throw off all your work for the quarter.” Then, I would have waited for a “Yes!” before proceeding to, “How can I best help?”

This is one variation of the “Yes, and…” technique for active listening. Acknowledge what the person has said, appreciate something good in it, and use “and” to build your thought onto theirs. Not “But actually….” Not “Yes, but….” Just listen, acknowledge the idea and the emotion, and build on it together.

BUT… for this to work, you have to be in a mindset where solving the problem is secondary to the relationship you have with the person. They won’t be able to proceed until they feel heard. Make that emotional connection, first. Then work the problem.

This is subtle. This is hard to do; especially for master problem solvers in technical fields. But it gets far better results, both on the problems as well as strengthening the relationships.

Years later, after working on building my mindset and skill in this area, I think I am now pretty good at it. Not great. I still tend to put together my understanding of a situation intellectually long before really acknowledging the other person’s emotions. But I am much more likely to pause, acknowledge, wait, use “Yes, and…” and then work on the problem.

For me, this is an area where Positive Intelligence has been helpful on top of the other mindset and techniques I’ve learned. It helps me to understand why and how to handle listening challenges. And it makes me a better coach and consultant.

What would stronger listening habits like this do for you?

I hope this is helpful. As always, let me know what you think or schedule some time to chat if this article sparks ideas for you.

Listening for your response,
–Steve

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